I don't really want to be here anymore, but where is here, and what is it that I want to runaway from? I don't know... I really don't care about school, I want to kick myself for that because I'm paying so fucking much to be there, but I just can't seem to care about it. I don't want to go anymore. But at the same time, I'm afraid to leave school, it's all I've ever known and the idea of a job and a routine frighten me, I like being able to live spontaneously. Probably one of the few perks to working retail, especially like Loblaws.
I feel so lonely, and the more and more this goes on, the more I feel helpless, and I don't want to live that lush lifestyle, but without it, I feel empty on the weekends, the way I felt when I was with Nick and he'd be gone all weekend, and I wouldn't hear from him. I just...want to take things slowly. Part of that problem is with Jenny, she's always going, but she doesn't have nearly as much on her plate as I do, and she gets money from her parents, so it's not like she cares is she's wasting her money.
I watched Capote last night. I didn't really want to watch it, not that I thought it would be a bad movie, just that I knew it would make me sad. Like when Perry was first shown, I felt my heart fall through my chest, it was just sad... I can understand why Capote developed severe depression and what seems to be post traumatic stress syndrome afterwrads, it's a hard book to read, and imagine having to do the research and actually meeting Perry and interviewing him, and finding out why they committed the crime.
I'm beginning to wish I could runaway. I saw Katie on Friday, that was fun, I liked making the quesadilla's and the cupcakes with her, Chelsea and Elliot. Katie gave me Fraggle Rock for my birthday, not quite sure, but it's a cute show. I don't actually remember having watched it as a kid though, I mean, I have vague memories of it, but don't remember really anything about it.
Anyways, I think that's it. I went to see Forty Cent Fix on Wednesday, talked to the boy, the show was good, but I stayed for like two songs, I was so fucking sick.
Mon, Oct. 23rd, 2006, 01:31 am
I haven't been in a car with my brother driving in a little over a year, and let me tell you, it was just as frightening as I remember...I mean how can one person drive so recklessly with "gangsta" music playing incredibly loud? And how is he related to me? I see no relation. Why does he keep hitting on Nadya, fuck it's awkward and she's all "yea..."........
Thu, Oct. 19th, 2006, 10:06 pm
How goes it? Things are going...
In anycase, I bought Jonathon Safran Foer's second book, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. I like it so much! I don't know what it is, but I really like his writing style, like the way he moves through different perspectives, and how he uses family history to tell a story.
Secondly I've been trying to fix things with Andrew and stuff, as much as he is an idiot, I suppose he is my brother and it really bothers him that I don't care. Although he is creeping me out that he wants to persue Nadya, and I'm all like...NO fuck, Nadya is off limits...arr...oh well, I told her to like drop lines like "my boyfriend" and always mentioning the same boys name or that she's seeing someone and stuff.
In anycase (I use that word a lot...fuckers)...well stuff....and you see, I'm tired, I should sleep, I'm hungry, I missed hanging out with Steph today, arr I haven't seen her in so long, umm.....what else, I've been watching Arrested Development, I like it so much.
Over and out.
Mon, Oct. 16th, 2006, 07:31 am
I'm so fucking tired - Couldn't sleep last night for whatever reason...no cola or tea for me yesterday...
It's so fucking cold out - What happened to that freakishly warm weather from last year? I want a recount.
The party is over, but it was fun ahwile it lasted, I like spending time with Jenny, Chelsea and alcohol...it was fun, on Friday when we were at the Brig it was the first time...like ever I wasn't ID'd at a bar...and we tipped the waitress a cupcake...yum cupcakes.
Like always, I've been feeling kinda sad this evening...Something about being alone that really gets to me...I don't know, I was reading my book, I figure I'll do all of my studying tomorrow for my midterm on Tuesday, since I have nothing to do tomorrow, and umm... yea, I spent all last week reading the one text book for the class...I deserve some sort of break...not really...but whatever.
In anycase, I was reading Wicked since I never finished it before school starts. It's not really sad or anything, I just get emotionally attached to characters as they are, and for some reason, the changing and growing up frightens me. Because I know that's what will/is happening to me. Maybe I'm just afraid of life...I can't seem to figure out what this happiness thing is...I suppose that makes me some sort of emo kid, but...how does one go about being happy? My day to day routine is fine, but...for some reason or another it saddens me at the same time...that my life won't amount to much once I finish university...this isn't what I wanted to do...I just wanted to travel and explore the world...I don't want routine, and I don't want the safety of staying in one place.
Looking at pictures at Avalon seems to cheer me up, babies are so cute...
My eye hurts so much.
I wish I had taken the chance on you, why did I chicken out?
SO my first birthday outing was pretty awesome, Dinner with Chelsea and Nadya...the some boy named Elliot showed up...And then meeeeeting up with Steph and her friends, but I already knew 1/3 of them, and she took my Nadya safely home! YUM.
In any case, the rest of the night was pretty awesome, everyone was so much fun! I love lady tongues.
Tomorrow night should be cool, and Skiba is pretty hot. And BIG D is PRETTY awesome. AND i love the word PRETTY. So there you go!
After such a shitty week things started to look up. I love my Jenny and Chelsea! They always make things awesome and SEXY Converse SHOES....I LOVE SHOES...and yes I'm still drunk and such Chelsea...
Anyways, I suppose I'll keep this brief...rape me on the oct 6/06...I'm 20 bitches...Just as old as ZAKS DINNER IN THE MARKET!
Mon, Sep. 25th, 2006, 11:03 pm
Please go away and leave me alone,
I'm just so drunk and miserable,
You started with me,
You started with me.
Mostly I can't believe I'll be 20 next week...crazy eh?
My jaw really hurts, there's so much school work, I can't handle Loblaws, fucking people yelling at me...I don't want to be here anymore...
I don't know why, but I keep missing him, but I think it's because I want to be in a real relationship...where I can be myself...I'm so afraid of myself...I wish I weren't like that...I thought I wasn't...but then I am....
I don't want to play this game,
I don't want to play this game,
Mon, Sep. 11th, 2006, 10:53 pm
SKIBA!!! What happened to the TRIO!!!
Darren told me that he heard the Trio were taking a break for awhile, so I went to their website and it turns out Matt Skiba and some other random dude started a side project called HEAVENS...they'll be realeasing an album called "Patent Pending" this fall and are going on tour, too bad they weren't hitting Montreal or I might check it out...but Toronto's the closest date, and according to reliable sources the T dot smells...
So, on Friday night a 20 year old boy was drunk and passed out on the train tracks in Perth (what was he doing at the train tracks and where were the people he was with??), in any case, up until I looked at his picture in my grade 10 high school year book, he was just another statistic, y'know dumb males doing stupid things to die young. I won't lie, he's still one of them too me...but for some reason, actually remembering who he is kinda made me sad, that this person I once went to high school with is dead...dead by a train.
Mon, Sep. 4th, 2006, 11:06 pm
I feel so lonely these days, and so disconnected from everyone.
I miss Katie, it feels like the last month or so of the summer I haven't seen her that much...y'know her always busy with Tommy and stuff, and her work and stuff...
I'm so tired of working all the time, but I guess it's my own choice...
I was suppose to hang out with someone tonight, but they bailed on me...it was pretty shitty...
Fuck I don't know why I can't write in this thing...so many things have been happening. Seeing Chelsea, Jenny, missing Katie, hanging out with someone most you probably dislike (ed), umm...and yea...all around suffering from anxiety. I don't know why? Oh I've also been seeing Rochelle lately...Katria has been a bitch to her these past few weeks and left for school this weekend, so I've been trying to cheer her up and such...I just feel so in over my head. I don't know how I'll survive during the school year...
Remember the anxiety I had at Loblaws when I was younger?
Remember how I hated all the people and all the problems?
How I just hated being around so many people.
How all I ever wanted was to runaway and curl up into a ball and cry?
Because everyone is just so fucking greedy.
I want this I want this.
Fuck I haven't felt that in over two years at Loblaws.
But it hit me like a truck yesterday.
My stomach churned, I couldn't wait to get out of there.
I just wanted to run home, and never ever set foot in that store again.
I want to tell you something, but I think you may hate me...well that's a little harsh..probably just think of me as lost and confused. I need a vacation from myself, and probably everything else in my life.
I want to look into an exchange program for next year...y'know continue my schoolin' and still get out of myself.
I feel like such a loser.